I...I feel just awful right now. We just had an anime meeting at our house, and I really acted terribly, I think. I was alright when Dante got there (he got there first, he's a very sweet boy), but when two other persons who shall remain unnamed showed up it all went downhill from there. I got angry because they couldn't even be polite about asking for drinks and I said something that was terrible, especially since Dante is African-American. It's a phrase my mother uses a lot, which is how I picked it up, and it's 'I'm not your (n word) maid' and that's basically what I said, though I was speaking to these people and not to Dante. No one said anything, but still I felt really terrible about it afterwards and I still do now. I also kept getting frustrated because these people and another person just could not for the life of themselves be quiet, no matter how many times I asked, so I finally hit one of them on the shoulder with my Chrono Cross guide and she proceeded to be sullen and mostly ignore more the rest of the evening. While she was quiet, it bothered me because, what else was I going to do? I tried asking, I tried yelling, violence was the only available venue.

Still I feel bad because I know it wasn't the right thing to do... I basically lost my temper a lot the whole night. I just have a horrible phobia when I'm involved in a social activity.. my temper shortens, I get more bitchy than usual, urgh... and I get so nervous. I hate myself for it. There are very few gatherings at which I have enjoyed myself, and there are some where I've just broken down. I really need to get the hell over this, since the anime meetings aren't going to stop and I'm not going to stop attending them.

Also I hate having to tell people to go home when it's time. Mom gets antsy when people stay after the movie is done, especially if they're loud, like my friends are, and I don't like going up and announcing 'Alright, go home, welcome's out' or something. It makes me feel bad... I mean of course we should stay for a while after to discuss what we saw, but when they're just sitting there and doing nothing... it's not that I don't like my friends over, it's just that it's late and you know, we all have school tomorrow and I've got homework (difficult homework, which I'm about half done with) to do. Maybe if it was Saturday or Friday I wouldn't care as much, but it's not, it's Sunday.

And Bryan insisted on making me look like the idiot I know I am the whole time, and scolded me afterwards... am I to understand that I have to be polite to people even when they're directly rude to me? All I ask is that if you want something you ask about it nicely, and I'll be happy to give it to you, and I did pour several peoples' drinks. Or you could at least wait until you're asked about it instead of coming in and demanding one be served to you.

The only good thing about the meeting was the anime itself. We watched the Kenshin OAVs, which were retitled Samurai X... actually, while the anime was good per se, it was really, really depressing and thinking of it is contributing to the utter awfulness I'm feeling at this moment.

Sigh.. gotta finish this homework.. I'm doing the best I can but I don't think I'll get a good grade on it anyway...