Alright. Now I can think.

Before I respond to anything, let's go back. Back to eighth grade, when I first met Kyla (I actually don't remember when I met Sally...it may have been around that same time, or it may not have been until ninth grade... it was whatever year Angels began). I was introduced to Kyla and a group of other people by my friend Naoko Taga (a very nice Japanese girl who unfortunately did not attend our high school when middle school ended). I was extremely nervous because before then I'd always eaten my lunch alone, and now Naoko was inviting me to sit with these people. I'll not get into these other people, but suffice to say that of that group Kyla and Emily (not Emiko) remain. I didn't really talk to Kyla that much, admittedly, because I was sort of intimidated by her. X3; But I somehow became part of that little group and we hung out together for what time was remaining in the school year. Then, freshman year, Emily moved away, and Kyla sat next to me in freshman English. Inevitably we became close friends (them's were the good old days =P). Then, looking back on it, we got too close, and as I'm sure most of you know we kind of got together. This lasted I think six months. I'm pretty terrible with time frames, but I think it was somewhere in sophomore year when she broke up with me. I was hurt (although, being stupid and inexperienced, I've got to admit that I wasn't very good at the whole relationship thing, even though I tried very hard -_-;), and she was actually pretty nice about it at first and said please let's still be friends. So I agreed with that. Now I wish that she had told me she never wanted to see me again, because then perhaps I could have had time to form a new group of friends, so that I wouldn't even have to be in this situation, but anyway. She changed after that, towards me. The best way to describe it is a coldness--just what seemed to me a lack of caring for how I felt about whatever she said. I don't know, it definitely wasn't all her. I was pretty sensitive, but also I was shocked that she could change her attitude towards me so quickly. It hurt. Anyway, much too shortly after that, Sally and I kind of 'got together.' I feel doubly bad about this because it was much too fast after Kyla broke up with me and I didn't think at all about how she might feel about it.

So eventually it reached the point where I was just always getting upset over some thing she said. I didn't understand why it was only me who was receiving this coldness when she treated our other friends (likesay, Emiko) with perfect kindness interjected with little joke insults only occasionally, whereas when she spoke to me it was usually nothing but alleged joke insults. But there were still a lot of times (mostly online and on the phone) where we had what I always thought were perfectly wonderful and pleasant conversation.

So, then, I had a fight with Sally, and she blocked me. Kyla claimed that our friendship was too strained to continue soon afterwards (even though we had been having those pleasant conversations just a few days before :\) and blocked me as well, then disavowed knowledge of my presence for a few days at school until I confronted her about it. That was when she wrote the first blog post, which I'll get to later. :3; After confronting her, she took me off her block list, and the nice conversations resumed. That's when I decided to just let it go. But then suddenly she began to avoid me again, and last night she blocked me again, and that brings us all up to speed.

Now, let's tackle the response to my post last night first.

Apparently it's stalking to want to know why someone who's been your friend of several years suddenly blocked you because you sent them the link to a couple of personality tests (yes, friends, I sent her two links, because I thought she might find it interesting). If you're busy and can't talk, all you have to do is say so. I realize that as an AOL member you don't have the advantage of AIM's away messages, but I would truly completely understand if you were really trying to get something done. There was no need to be dramatic about it and just block me. Now then, I didn't think you were actually avoiding me until today. Just because I've felt ignored doesn't mean I automatically think you're doing it on purpose, but if that's what I'm supposed to think I will think that. It means that my original thought pattern is 'Everyone is doing stuff together but me. That sucks.' not 'Everyone is doing stuff together but me, and they're doing for the express purpose of hurting me. That sucks.' I am paranoid, but I do not pull these ideas out of the sky, Kai--you say things to support them. Also, in the nights before Christmas, we again, had nice conversations, so like any logical human being I assumed that perhaps you were okay now (which, again, is why I was letting it go). I wasn't thinking we were the best of friends or something, just that you didn't have any qualms talking to me like a regular human being.

And yep, I did do a little mock conversation, just as you tend to do to me, and I thought I was correct in my assumptions by your affirmative answers. I don't know, most people tend to think their reasoning is accurate when they're given a Yes answer. Funny human trait, that. (sorry, can't resist a bit of sarcasm... but it's better than namecalling, eh?)

So anyway, the fact that you seemed okay with us having nice little conversations led me to believe that it was OK to start these nice little conversations. I figured that this still fell into the realm of 'giving each other room' because I wasn't really doing anything but just talking. There was no arguing, we weren't even face to face. Just some online talk which I was perfectly happy with. I'm really not sure where you're getting the idea that I was stalking you--perhaps because I called Emiko's house and you were there. I called to talk to her. She's my friend too, y'know--it's not all you, all the time. :\ (and about the only one I can discuss FFX with, but that's neither here nor there :3;) In the past few days I've wanted to talk to her, but she hasn't been able to, and I don't think it's because she's trying to hurt me. I understand that you guys are friends too, but it's not stalking if I want to have someone to talk to. There is nothing crazy about anything I have done. The only crazy thing I have done was the 'episode' at the convention, which was crazy and scary, but it was one time and I was completely pushed. It is also in the past, and happened well over a month ago. :\ Everything else I've done would be the logical reaction of other people in my situation. How do I know this? Because, like I said, a great deal more people read your blog than you think.

Let's see, what have these people said? Well, one said that you were harsh and calling me a stalker was "out of line." Some of the others said things that I probably shouldn't repeat in a family-oriented blog. XP;; Why am I not supplying names as proof? I don't want to incriminate anyone, of course, something you seem to care about very dearly. In fact, it's your excuse to not back up anything you say, when in fact the only person who would be incriminated is you. And you can't handle that. You can't take responsiblity for anything you do, and THAT is why you suddenly turned cold. You blamed me for everything that went on in our relationship because you will not--or cannot, I don't know-assume responsilibity. Instead you either put the blame on someone else or you justify, endlessly, your actions, with claims that you will not--or, once again, cannot--back up. You profane me in your blog and abandon all the logic that I know you have, and you think you're doing the net a service? Yes, if you think making yourself look bad counts as a service, I suppose you are. Because that's really all you're accomplishing.

Let me give you an example of the way you justify. You try to justify writing those blog posts by saying it's really not that mean because no one reads your blog, when in fact you know they do. You justify your admitted meanness in your posts by saying you could be a lot meaner, but it would take too long to supply evidence. But you don't have any evidence. I'm admitting what I've done here and now, and all of it is simply the actions of a hurt friend who doesn't know why this has to happen (especially now, of all times... I mean, it's a little late to be swearing people off, you know -_-;).

I ask you questions like the ones you mentioned because I want to know what you think is acceptable behavior. Apparently you find me asking this to be also psychotic. Why? You are the one who is complaining. You are the one laying down decisions. What the hell am I supposed to do? Twiddle my thumbs and wait until the mood passes, as someone I spoke to about this sarcastically suggested? I'm asking you for terms not because I want to define our relationship but because you are insisting on it. You insist on it by giving me conflicting ideas of what you want--first you want to be school friends, then you just want to have some room, then you don't want to be friends at all, and apparently these changes of mind stem from some behavior I was engaging in during the interim of each. All I want is just to talk to you, normally, like a normal person, a normal friend. I haven't gotten offended by anything you've said in all of the conversations we've had since those posts, except for the stuff about my peeps, which I quickly got over and agreed to your estimation, because it was correct. I don't intend to get offended. All I want is just... normalcy. Normal talking, normal hellos, normal goodbyes, that kind of thing. I don't want to abandon a friendship that's lasted for so long and has been, despite all my complaints, very good.

You also say that I think everything is about me. Now, I admit it, I am really paranoid, and you blocking me augmented that paranoia, but it seems to me that it's really the other way around. After all, I don't assume that your poems are about me. I don't think you're being nice to our other friends purely to get at me or whatever the reasoning was behind that. I do think you treat me colder than our other friends, which you have admitted to, but I don't think you're warmer towards them just to make me feel bad. I don't think all your blog posts are about me, unless you mention something specifically having to do with me or my name. XP Most of the time my angst posts are not all about you or about Sally. Sometimes what you or she has done was merely the last straw. I get upset easily, but it's nearly always over a combination of things--school, grades, college, friends, parents--all coming together in little ways. Allow me to repeat. It is not all about you. In your list, you seem to be trying to relate every action I take back to you, and it's just not true.

The only things on there that are true are the bits about me calling you when you've blocked me and so on, which any rational person would do. Again, what the hell am I supposed to do? Again, do you want me to twiddle my thumbs until the mood passes? The things I did are not stalkerish. They are me trying to figure out why you are doing this, why it can't ever be fixed, and why we can't just be normal. The whole reason why I'm doing this is because I do still want to be your friend. If I didn't, I wouldn't be doing anything.

So, to sum up:

1. Not everything I do is about you. You are not the center of my universe. I do not write poems about you. I do not do things specifically to aggravate you.
2. You are not doing a service to the internet. You are making yourself look exactly as you have said--petty and bitchy. I know this because I've talked to people who have read your posts, and they think this. I know that in actuality all that matters is what you or I think, but you seem to really weigh the opinions of other people in situations they're not a part of heavily.
3. I am not a stalker. Calling someone a stalker is a serious, really offensive allegation. I'm someone you've known for years and who wants to know why we can't just be normal friends and why you have to be so difficult and complicated. The things I do stem from a desire to know the answer to this question.
4. I only have three screen names. =P I do not know what this mysterious fourth is. X3; And I don't even count spritegiri cause it's an AOL name that's impossible to get rid of. I have a second one because, believe it or not, I do get harrassed by random people a good bit of the time and sometimes I just don't want to deal with it. Maybe you're lucky and it doesn't happen to you, but it happens to me, and I know it happens to other people because they have multiple SNs too. I do not have more than one for the express purpose of harrassing you, though it is helpful to know when you've decided to block me again. It's my first impulse to see if you've lied to me because you've done it before. When someone does something, naturally the suspicion that they may do it again rises. Again, this is perfectly logical. Finally, just because I prefer truth doesn't mean I'm going to be happy about it. If you go somewhere your parents don't approve of and then lie about it, they're going to pissed at you whether you lie or not. They'll just be twice as pissed if you do lie. =P Preferring truth doesn't mean you're always happy with truth.
5. Yes, I still want to be your friend. Is this stalkery? No. This is me still caring about you because I don't just let go of people that easily, and because I know that we can get along and when we do we get along great.

Now then. Everything in this post is true, to my knowledge. If it's not true, I didn't know it wasn't true, and I apologize in advance. And..man, this felt good to get out. X3