Recently a boy died. He was walking at 2 in the morning (I think he was just watching television or something and just decided to go out, really have no clue why he would be out there at 2 A.M.) and another boy was driving home from a youth group after Music Fest on that same night at that same time. This boy fell asleep at the wheel and hit the boy walking, killing him. Both of these boys were juniors at my school, though I didn't know them. I didn't know the boy that died at all, and I'd only heard of the boy that killed him. So my feeling upon hearing of what happened was the natural sadness a person feels at a tragic event. But when Justin (whom I've mentioned before a few entries down) heard of it, all he had to say about the dead boy was 'He was an ass.'
Now... when I die, I don't want people lying. I don't want anyone getting up and saying how wonderful and special I was, and how I meant so much to so many, and how I did all these things for people or some other such nonsense if it's not true. I don't want everyone to suddenly start caring because I'm dead, and it feels wrong when people who treat others like crap die and then everyone starts talking about what beautiful people they are. But on the other hand, there's something to be said for tact. As I've said, I didn't know the guy, so I don't know how he treated people. But I feel it's only respectful to keep things like that to yourself, at least when it's so early after the death. Not that I advocate people saying how kind and lovely he was if he was cruel to them, but you understand what I mean, right?
To be honest, I feel worse for the boy that killed him. It was an accident, he wasn't drunk, he just made a stupid choice in driving home so late. He was just irresponsible and it cost somebody his life and he's got to live with that forever. I don't know if I could handle that. I think if I were responsible for someone else's death I would kill myself. I certainly would not show my face at school, which is what he, after some time absent, just did. I think that takes strength. He made a mistake, a huge mistake, but I think having to live with that guilt and that pain, and knowing how much pain you've caused other people, I think that's the greatest punishment anyone could hand down to him for his foolishness. I hope I'm never in the same situation, because I honestly don't think I'd be strong enough to deal with it.
I'm a violent, angry person, but the thought of killing someone--of actually ENDING someone's life--is just horrifying to me. Absolutely horrifying.
