My temperature is 101.5 x__x ::crawls into a corner to die:: sorry guys..update this weekend doesn't look likely..dammit.. >__<

Sally, I love yooou~~

I'm siiiick.. xx Of course this had to happen on a weekend where I have a -ton- of work to do...gah... ::tries to will away her achy bones xx::

I think my Napster is, like, dead. Wah. xx

I'm insane.

I'm serious. I'm psychotic, sociopathic, I probably need help or some kind of therapy. The depths of how disturbed I am don't even occur to me until I read over what I write (especially the latest, as yet untyped Day V of claris) or until I stop to think about the daily thoughts that run through my head.

And Ali. PREACH THE WORD.

I've been thinking about something really depressing..so maybe if I write about it I'll feel better...

My Dad majored in aeronautical engineering in college. He wanted to be a pilot, but his kidneys were faulty and he had to have a transplant, so that dream went out the window. Now my dad has to take pills every day of his life to keep his system from attacking his kidneys, and even an opportunistic disease could really take him down.

My brother likes to scare me by reminding me that Dad's probably not going to survive the next ten years...it's just... really depressing to think about... I don't know what I'd do if my Dad died. Or if mom died. I don't think I could handle it.

I have not talked of some peeps in a while so I will now~

Kristenfluff, I will always love yoouuu~~ you were the first person ever to do fanart for me, don't you feel lovely and special X3

Lots of people 'appreciate' your drawins Verasama.. X3; Most of my friends know of/link/like you. Cos I like to show you off. :B and I want Persona2 xx; but I still haven't finished FFIX and I'm hardly anywhere in CC.

::note to self: harrass vera and kristen on ICQ as soon as possible X3;::

I still harrass the Kendra on a regular basis. :B

Nicholehoney, it's okay. A lot of people seem to fall in love with their SBs. Me and mine don't like each other much, so that's probably why it's never happened to me. X3;; I do love all my characters deeply though. But I think most writers do. After all, how could you really write about a character that you didn't like in some way? Or, if you didn't like them, you were at least -interested- in them.

::fluffs Kailynn :B:: I can't call you Kai cos of my other friend Kai and I can't call you lynn cos that's my name (sort of Xd;). ::fluffs you:: I remember when you only had an angelfire page and you were sailor zeus~~~

And Sarah boo (who has no link because she has no webpage) Mullersman, I have your emails and I will reply to them.. xx I'm sorry, I'm not mad at you honey, I'm just so so lazy with email sometimes. xx; I'll reply to all of my emails (what few there are X3;;) tomorrow. My pledge to YOU! X3;

I completely understand about the app processes, folks... so no one think I got suicidally depressed over being rejected or anything... I always get depressed by rejection; it doesn't matter how much the rejecting person loves me or doesn't want to hurt me. I think most people do. It's a matter of pride. And while I have a tiny self esteem, I think I have a lot of pride. ::sticks needles in it:: Sonuvabitch. :B

But I knew, in my heart, that Mammet was probably not going to be accepted. My heart wasn't really in her. I'll make sure it's there when I revise... though I might revise her into a Nanshe, judging from the comments...

But right NOW I have to stop procrastinating and find some American absurdist authors, so I won't be stumbling blindly around at the library tomorrow. I also have to study for a Chem test in which FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION even though I have a happy B in there right now.

The Force was seriously with me today, dudes. At least in a lot of cases. I got a lot of mediocre grades, but they were grades that could have been a hell of a lot worse, so. xx; However, I currently have an ugly evil 81 in Alg II, which is not that bad since we're not at the midpoint yet even, but I know my mom/dad is going to freak out when I show them the interim. This is why I hate interims, because parents forget that you still have three weeks left to kick it up and they get all freaky on you.

I really love how I can switch from sentences laden with large words to sentences laden with slang and ghetto speak at will XD;

I hope everyone realizes that when I finish the Claris winter story (it ain't Christmas because it takes place on New Year's Eve^^;) when I'm done with it. :B It'll be short and pointless, but I want everyone to read it anyways. ^^; Even if you haven't read Claris. It's for a contest on the MWML, like I said, so I need to know if it sucks or not (I already know it's short and pointless; I just need to know if it's short and pointless suckage).

I find it interesting that the team o good guys in Akihabara Dennou Gumi is referred to as Anima Mundi, since the rebel group that Zaphikiel leads in Angel Sanctuary (or Tenshi Kinryoku X3;) is named Anima Mundi as well. Although I am (was, really.. I'm taking French now, but I still luv Latin to pieces) a Latin student, I'm not entirely sure what Anima Mundi means. You see, Anima is the word for 'mind' or 'soul', and mundus (from which mundi is derived) means 'world.' Therefore, based on mundi's form, the most obvious translation is Soul of the World, which is pretty and makes vague sense. However I don't know if mundi is in the proper genitive/poss. form for it to mean 'of the world.'

I use Latin a lot in my stories and everywhere else I can.. I usually assume my usages are correct since no one's ever pointed out mistakes, but if any of you out there do, do not hesitate to hit me with trouts. xx
One example is the name of the world that several of my peeps were born on (i.e., Reve); it's called Aliamunda (often just munda for short), which means 'another world.' It's essentially alternate reality earth, which is why languages like english and latin still exist. ^^; My other world, which is also alternate reality earth, is called Septerra..however it's sort of a high fantasy world, so its native tongue is basically a mangling of Latin and English. ^^; It's name is Septerra Celinae, which means world of the seven moons (since it has seven moons :b;) but like Aliamunda it's just called Septerra for short. Most of the characters that hang out in the forest are from there, since the forest is on that world. ^^; Vande and his family of soul-suckahs hail from there too (Vande being from an original story of mine that needs to be worked on that was once called beautiful creatures but has since changed its name to drawing a breath of air^^;). Necavi and Alistair (characters in the claris project) are from the future Septerra.

Vinton (the fictional town in which all of my stories take place) acts as a go-between for the two worlds; it has connectors to them everywhere, which are augmented by events in TCP.

Yes, ALL of my stories are bound together, often in more ways than one. ^^;

"Maybe you should lie down for a while..."

"Yeah, that's a good idea. I'm going to lie down for a long time. Forever, if it all goes well."

My SBs are scary peeps :B;

Woo, I IM'd the cute KJ, despite having naught to say. X3;

Thanks for the encouragements, yo (Ali, KJ, Maj, Laris, etc). I feel a lot better today. ^^; Not that today was a kick ass day or anything (I got a 58 on my Algebra II test.. ouch baby ouch o.O;), I just.. feel strangely fine. :3;; I'm probably going to revise Mammetum. But school and my stories are screaming for love, so I must give it to them, especially school, since my grades (which are not allowed to dip below B-level [for those in numbers, that's below 86], lest the computer is taken away completely) are valde important.. xx

Cat, I thought you'd stopped updating your blog so I stopped reading for a while.. xx sorry for not giving you the love you deserve :B

And I stalk thee, O Dai :B

And KJ.. XD Is 'Clarid' Claris or Clarity? X3; (I know you made a typo, but the names of my two major projects are so similar :3;;;) and I would love a KJ-picture~~ your art is lovely and beautiful :3

No! No one's names are linked! :B;; Sorry, I'm just toooo laaaazzyy.. ah, too much Coke.. ::drinks more::

...and i wish i would get more emails that were related to something besides the SB page.. xx

Oooh yeah. Today was definitely a bad day. xx I think I'm just going to crawl into bed now.

Today was not a good day.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Lots of blogging tonight huh.. XD I feel energetic for some reason. Maybe I am excited about the math test I plan to fail tomorrow :D

Anyways, I'm getting too lazy to link peoples' names every time I mention'em.. ^^;; Hope we're all cool with that.

In other newses, I think I'll wait until Cal's Branching Spirits actually opens before selecting a person. After I create whomever I'm going to create for my nightmare senshi in DS, I'm going to take a bit of a break from making new RP persons. I have about 5 days to finish the Claris winter story for the MWML contest, and I really want to at least attempt to do that. Plus I want to finish up Claris itself before mid-February, so I can make -everyone- happy and begin Clarity's second half. XD;

This sweet personage linkeths my blog. Hi! :D

And I'm so sorry for mis-spelling your name, Jaimie. My lameness abounds. o.O And as you already know, I love crying. :B; I admire your ability to 'keep it in'...because I never could.

Thanks to Maj & KJ & Hikari for wishin me lucks on my Mammet too :B I'm also really happy at the amount of people who responded to my self-affirmation.. ^^; It's not possible to put in words how much I appreciate support. I really couldn't do it, even if the talent of every great writer the earth has ever known suddenly poured into my blood. It's just... it's wonderful. It is.

Thanks to Maj & KJ for wishin me lucks on my Mammet too :B

I generally gauge who reads truth by who links me.. xx But I know now that there are probably people who read this and yet do not link me, and for some reason that makes me nervous. ^^;;;

Ali, I sobbed and sobbed while going through the Jumi storyline the first time. And I cry at the final scenario every time. ^^; To give another example of my utter emotional-ness, I was reading the paper today (I think I'm one of the few people who still prefers news by paper xx;) and I read an article about a boy who'd committed suicide. The article was all about how it might be linked to the acne drug Accutane, but there was a lot of information on this boy's home life too. Suicide is an awful, scary thing. -__-

I just now read your response to my big ol self affirmation, Lisaxx ::huggles you:: That was so sweet of you to say. And it's cool. I don't know a lot about most anime; Angel Sanctuary is just my absolute favorite X3; (I even have a much neglected page on it :B;) (and you're not unphotogenic :B)

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I still think, overall, that I'm a good person. I think most people are good people, or at least that they're born good people. I'm kind of optimistic that way. ^^;

I've made two big mistakes while a part of the PBeM community. Let me define a mistake before I go into this any further. A mistake is anything that hurts the feelings of another person. That's a mistake. As far as I know, I've done this twice. The first time was a terrible mess that was mostly my fault, and it caused me to lose a friend who was once very close...and who, I guess, is still a friend, but the closeness isn't there and I don't know if it ever will be again. -- I still feel terrible about this, a lot. But you can't change the past.

The second mistake was more carelessness than a big messy affair. Basically I was lazy and let my friend whose opinion I trusted control my opinion, and in the process someone who I didn't know at the time got hurt. Got hurt more than I knew. I still feel awful about this too, but I think things between me and that person have been cleared up. I hope we can be friends. Maybe even close friends. I'm always ready to make friends. ^_^;

The people who were involved in these incidents probably know who they are. If they do, I hope they know that I'm still sorry for the horrible way I behaved and I hope they've forgiven me, even if they don't like me.

No, I won't go into detail about these, even if someone asks. Everything in here is the truth, but some things are just too painful to talk about openly. Actually I think these mistakes, especially the first one, are too painful to even talk about privately. Suffice to say I was pretty well an asshole, or at least unfathomably immature.

I want to talk to my precious Sallyboo.. xx I love you sallyfluff.. I think I need to remind you of that more often...

I just submitted my Mammetum to Genesis. x.x ::twiddles her fingers in nervous, paranoid anticipation::

KJ, I can't get over your supreem cuteness. I really can't do it XD ::squeezes you until you make a funny noise::

Am I the only one who finds the M&M's commercial with Red and Yellow licking Orange to be insanely hilarious? XD;

Damn... I said I was going to update Kurai this week but it doesn't look like it now.. xx; I might try in the few hours I have left between now and bed, but probably not.. sorry everyone. xx If I don't update next week I'll do something nasty to myself, I swear. :B;;;

I did, however, make the forums look fluffier. Give the forums love. :3 And thanks for the beautiful Mana picture, Anomie! :D :D :D It suprises me that I'm still getting some Clarity fanart even though I'm not currently working on the story (and I won't be for a while yet). It makes a happy lyn, indeed. :B

Ohmygod, I took that test again and I got Ultimecia first.. xx;; WTF is up with that crazy shiz o.o;?

It takes a little time sometimes
to get your feet back on the ground
it takes a little time sometimes
to get the Titanic turned back around
It takes a little time sometimes
But baby you're not going down
It takes more than you got right now
Give it, give it time

You can't fix this pain with money
You can't wrest away your soul
You can't sweep it under the rug now honey
But it don't take a lot to know
It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
to get the Titanic turned back around
But baby you're not going down

Thanks Cal; Kat; Kristen-sama; Laura.

Dai's poems always make me cry.. ;___;
She's such a wonderful poet ;___;

And whoever's requesting my blogger password needs to stop, because it's freaking me out. >P

Damn. That felt good.

I realize I sound hostile in that previous entry; I feel hostile. I know a lot of people don't take stock in soulbonding, but I do, and last night me and one of mine (Sean, of course. He always yells me out of a depression) had a lovely conversation, and I realized something. I realized something that people have been telling me for years, but it's taken the last few days and last night for it to be hammered in thoroughly.

I AM NOT MY FRIENDS. I am not DEFINED by the people in my 'groups'. My self worth is NOT DEPENDENT on what they think of me and it shouldn't be. My self worth is determined by what I think of MYSELF and what I do with MYSELF and the way I treat people. And I may be angsty as all hell, but I think treat people pretty damn well. I help when help is needed. I encourage, I give feedback, I cheer up. I do all that I can to be a good friend and I think I am a good friend. And even if you don't like me, and I don't like you, if you're in trouble, I'll help you. Because that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to help people. And even if you don't like me, I'll never ignore you. I'll always listen to what you say and I'll say something back. Because (excuse my profanity) I FUCKING HATE being ignored, as I've already said. The only person I ignore is my brother, and that's because he beats me up and threatens to kill me daily. =P But that's a tangent.

The real point here is that I'm tired of this and it's not going to happen anymore. I AM a GOOD person. I'm not a WONDERFUL person, but I'm a GOOD person. I care about people, I feel empathy with people, I respect people. I work hard for what I want and I'm grateful for all that I have. I'm pretty (I just have bad hair). I make good scores in school and I'm smart. And I'm TIRED of letting myself be pulled down just because I THINK people don't like me.

NO MORE.

I think it's important to note that everything I say here is the honest gospel truth of how I feel, and it will always be the honest gospel truth, because this isn't called /truth for nothing. The only thing I censor about my feelings is my tendency to swear like a sailor when I'm upset (usually a great repetition of the word fuck and its variants); everything else is as real as the computer I'm typing on. In light of this, it should also be noted that I'm an emotional person. A very emotional person. Emotion seeps from my pores. When I walk around, I leave LITTLE PUDDLES OF EMOTION behind me (okay, not really).

I CRY at EVERYTHING. Even cheesy things. I cried at the AS DVD, even with its laughable subtitles. I cry at my video games. I cry at other anime. I cry at movies, books, TV shows, news, PEOPLE. I also LAUGH at those same things. I laugh a lot and I laugh loud; ask my brother or other member of my family. And I DO NOT APPRECIATE people who lack my problem looking DOWN AT ME. You know what? I'm sixteen, almost seventeen. In many ancient cultures I'd be considered an adult, probably having kids by now. But I don't live in an ancient culture, I live in the over indulged American culture. Yes, I am immature. But you know what? These same people who act so condescending are just as. Maybe not all the time, but certainly some of the time, because I don't know anyone who is always completely mature, except maybe my father. And no one I know even approaches that level.

I'm going to angst. Everyone angsts. Some people choose to put in their diaries, some don't. I choose to put my angsting in my diary (i.e., here) because it goes away when I write it down. If you don't want to read it, here's a tip. DON'T. There is NO GUN being held to your head to read this. No one is standing behind you holding the POINT OF A SPEAR in your back and saying that they will drive it through your flesh if you don't read what I'm writing. People have a RIGHT to angst if they want to goddamn ANGST. Three cheers for angst, I say. There is NOTHING wrong with letting your emotions out. NOTHING. And I'm SICK of people acting like there is. So to all you who apologize for your angsting, don't. Do it. Let it out, it's your diary. To all of you who don't like it, DON'T READ IT. JESUS CHRIST.

Hey Lisa... I don't know if you read this or not, but the picture on your about me page is of Rosiel, from Angel Sanctuary (and it's a manga picture..^^;;)... and Rosiel's a guy.. ^^;;;

I...I FOUND ANGEL CAGE :D :D :D ::squeals with joy:: I thought it was lost and gone forever!!! But no, it is here and it is safe and now I have both AS artbooks! WOOHOO~

::coughs:: Anyways... I read your journal, Miss Amy. :3 and I read yours too Jamie~~