And I still find it so hard to say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me just how I should feel today
How does it feel
How should I feel
Tell me how does it feel
To treat me like you do
And I thought I was mistaken
And I thought I heard your words
Tell me how do I feel
Tell me now how do I feel

I've also noticed something. Men, in general, make me angry. Women just make me depressed.

It bothers me when people I know don't like me, but it bothers me more when they say they do and then their actions completely contradict their words.

Looks like I can't do Oak now... I guess I'll just wait until the page actually goes up and then pick one no one wants. How depressing.

Don't worry Donna, I wasna mad at you. X3; I also draw pictures just because I want to. I drew Euri because I liked him and he was easy to draw. ^^; Right now I am working on pictures for oneechan Del and wishing I had more mad art skillz... I think it would also be good to draw for Cal since she's very ill. xx

Drawing is really difficult for me though.. I mean, you have no idea. This is why I usually draw when I'm upset, because it's easier. I find it thousands of times simpler to write a few pages of story than to draw a picture, especially the initial sketch. Usually after I get the sketch it's downhill, but it's so hard. xx

But now I'm thinking I shouldn't have revealed that about myself cos now everyone's going to worry about me being angry with them.. XD I really don't get mad easily. I get -irritated- easily, but not homicidally angry. Homicidally angry for me is scary. If you think I'm hard to deal with now, you should see me when I am consumed with rage. I swear like an unusually profane sailor, for one thing. ^^;

Thanks for the reassurances about Wordsmith you guys. You don't have to reassure me; I wasn't trying to fish for compliments.. it was just something important to me that I needed to angst about. And now I did and I'm better. :B

Although I may get down on myself a lot, I have to admit that I'm pretty proud of Kurai. What saddens me is that its first year is running out...and while I'm happy it lasted this long, I'm afraid my parents might not let me keep it.. xx

Doing a cleanout of Kurai's files... xx I often don't realize just how freaking huge this domain is. ^^; I have -so- much -stuff-, though admittedly most of it is images and writing. But it's a lot of it. A lot more than I thought. o.o

I probably couldn't take all that cold weather, Jessiefluff... unless I had millions of blankets. xx I'm sorry I don't comment on your entries more often; I do read them. ^^;

I'm not joking here, people. I read every single blog/scribble/whatever on my list, at least once a day. For me it's not that much--I'm very voyeuristic (I realize that word has sexual connotations, but for me it just means I'm nosy about people's lives) and I read quickly. ^^; But I still do it.

I need to shower soon because I'm feeling pretty blarg in the cleanliness department. xx I'm not sure how I feel so dirty so quickly; it's not like I do anything. I think it mostly stems from the fact that my hair, while not -feeling- oily to the touch, still constantly -secretes- oil. Therefore it feels oily against the back of my head, but when I pet it away from my face it is usually dry and soft. xx

I've finally begun Mammetum. (for Genesis) I've gotten good reactions, even though I'm really just getting started.. though I consider personality and history to be one of -the most important- parts of a profile, so. ^^; I really hope I get accepted... especially since this is an rpg where I don't really 'know' the owner. I mean, I've -talked- to Laris and Cal and everybody of course, but I don't think they consider me a great friend or anything.. whereas I think I was accepted to most of the other RPGs I'm in because I knew the owner real well (the exceptions being Angels, which I was rejected from once, and Mythos, wherein my first attempt got a Reject/Revise). I think after I make Mammet and then my BS character (and probably the people for Conversion and Muse I keep promising.. xx) I'll stop with the RPG peeps for a while.

No matter what, my own stories (like Claris and Clarity) and their designs take precedence. Always have, always will. I feel more free when working on my own, really. I don't have to write profiles that are supah-freaky-long, I don't have to fully explain characters if I don't want to (since it can be done by way of the story, no one get on me, I realize the need to explain RP characters), and I just basically control every little thing that happens.

Speaking of my own stories, progress on creating all the new angels is coming along well, even though all the angel names being similar confuses Kendra and Kai keeps thinking I'm drawing Sailorangels peeps (she obviously doesn't realize that all the angels who share names with mine are female in the AoC, with the exception of leliel...). I kind of miss working on Clarity, but at the same time I enjoy Claris too much to stop. And there's only two chapters left (V is done; I just need to type it). Claris will probably never achieve Clarity's lovability, but I can deal with that, because if I'm writing anything for myself, it's Claris. None of my other stories showcase my obsessions (most namely angels and video games :3;) so blatantly. XD; But I have to admit to some audience pandering.. of the eight new angels, only two (not counting Gabriel) are female. The rest are all boys boys boys (even though Tia would rather not be). But since all the names are so similar sounding, I'm going to give them all regular names like Shamshiel has.. xx

And Alifluff, you are SO CUTE :D Especially in the pajama picture. ^_^_^

Heheh XD; Actually it takes a lot to make me angry. :3 Sally knows what makes me angry the most, and Kai does it to me ALL THE TIME, which is why she has a growing collection of pictures from me.

This thing, of course, is being ignored. I hate being ignored more than ANYTHING. x.x I don't much like being the center of attention either, but I like having my presence -acknowledged-. For example, when I leave the room (this is at school) and I say goodbye, I expect a goodbye in return. I become AGGRAVATED when I don't receive said goodbye. I realize the pettiness of this, but that's how I am. =p

Some people might notice that I do not often draw for people other than myself. This is because, unless it's a special occasion, I only draw for people when they make me HOMICIDALLY ANGRY. You might find this odd, but drawing a picture proves to be an excellent way to vent my immense wrath. So if I suddenly draw a random picture for you, it's probably because you're pissing me off.

Also because everyone else has cool, complicated designs that I can't for the life of me put on paper.

B, you are one of the nicest people alive. :B Thank you.

I really hope no one else wants Oak in Branching Spirits.. xx Cos that's what I want..^^;

WOO, pretty Celina picture! ::glomps Anomiefluff:: Yes, I consider 'fluffy' to be 'my' word, as they say, or at least, I consider saying fluffy when you mean something is cool to be 'mine', even though I'm sure many others have thought of it. But I encourage its use :D Just as I encourage the use of 'neep', which is a word I use a lot but which I KNOW is not mine. For one, it's a Scottish slang term for turnip. ^^;

And no, none of these things will ever make me lose faith in writing. I'm a person who craves vindication, but I'll keep going even if I don't get it. I WILL be a published author. I WILL write books and they WILL be published and I WILL walk into a bookstore and my books WILL be there on the shelf. Even if I completely fail every English class I take. =P

Speaking of Mama G. I think next I shall talk about how much I love Ms. G, even when she gives me grades I dislike. After I found out about not getting on the team, I went to her room (which is across the hall, very close) and her and Amy (a very nice senior I know) were in there chatting, and I told them about it... and they both cheered me up and were nice to me and stuff, and Ms. G told me that it didn't matter because I was going to be the Lit Mag pimp next year.. XD; The big beef most people have with her is that they think she's racist, because all her classes have a 'black pride' overtone.. ^^; I don't really think she's racist, I think she's just very proud of who she is. But I could be biased, because she's usually awfully nice to me.

I'm also worried about getting into AP English. I know that if my english teacher Ms. Garrison (who loves me, but who would not send me to AP if she didn't think I could do it) doesn't allow me to go I could always get an override, but having to get an override would seriously annoy my parents. I'm supposed to be good at this stuff. Writing is one of the only things I can do even semi-well. I'm serious. I do well with history and humanities type stuff as well, but writing is really where I'm at. And I want to be an English major. What kind of English major can't even get into AP? Tonight I have to write a little paragraph about why I want to/deserve to be in AP English. I made a promise to myself that I'm going to try as hard as I possibly can this semester (and write a very good paper to submit to the AP English teacher) so I can prove to Ms G (who, like I said, loves me, but thinks I'm lazy) that I deserve to be in that class. I have GOT to get into that class. Failure is -not- an option.

::flops on the Big Couch O Depression:: I know I'm supposed to be making an effort to like myself more and everything, but I need to angst now. I need to angst because I did not make the Wordsmith team (I'm the alternate...) and I feel that is a very valid reason to angst because Wordsmith is important to me.

Let me explain Wordsmith. It's basically a writing marathon. There's three 'events' or 'dashes'--first, you describe an object (in about forty words or something), then you describe a (black and white o.o) photograph, then you write an editorial. After that, they announce 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place winners in each category. The winners go on to the final event, which is an essay writing contest. Teams from schools all over Memphis compete, and are composed of two students from each grade, plus an alternate in case one of the team members gets sick or dies or something. It's a fun thing, and it's held at the University of Memphis. I was on the team freshman and sophomore year, probably why I'm doubly depressed at being nothing but an alternate this year.

I don't know. I'm not sobbing or anything. I just feel disappointed in myself, but I know, really, that's it not entirely me. For one, I was clueless on practices, so I missed several meetings that Traverse had deemed 'mandatory.' Traverse is one of the English teachers; not mine, so he doesn't even know me. This brings me to the other reason why I might not have gotten selected... everyone says he plays favorites, and said favorite made the team instead of me. What's even more upsetting is that she's a girl I strongly dislike... she's a violent bigot (her family were missionaries in Zimbabwe, so she's uber-religious and thinks gay people should die and animals don't have souls so it's okay to slaughter them mercilessly and all this crazy business o.o). I realize that a person's personality is separate from their writing skills, but the fact remains that it stings when someone you dislike gets what you wanted.

Updated links -yet again-

On a happier today, today is Etoile's fluffy fluffy birthday, and I'm drawing her Pitar. ^^;

::pets KJ gently:: I have to admit that this whole word copyright thing is a bit low. x.x; ::phears dispute and is not going to go any deeper than that, but gives KJ many fish foods to make her feel better::

I just listened to all of Kaeria's mp3 things...and realized she was a he.. XD with a very nice voice I might add :3

Yo Laris, Lex is Canadian. X3;; (hence the eagle.ca in her page address) She's a badass though ain't she :B I saw her cover art for a Pokemon strategy guide at borders and got all excited.. I'm on her links page, but it still goes to my saucybard.com/lyn address. XD;

I want to apply for this, when it gets open. This is because I love trees (that's why I love the Seiken Densetsu series so much.. I mean, they worship a tree.. XD) and celtic things and The Dark is Rising :3 I don't think I'll get in, but it can't hurt to try. ^^;

Auugh, there are BEES on Alifluff's layout.. xx I'm deathly, deathly afraid of bees.. aaggh x.x

It's a crack I'm back standing on the rooftop shout it out I'm back and ready to go~

SALLY GOT ME THE LOST ANGEL ARTBOOK :D :D :D WOOOO :D

Arr, I'm sorry I didn't comment on your comique page, Kristena xx I've been more self absorbed than usual lately. :3; Anyway, it looks fluffy :3 I could tell he was holding a photo ^^; And Randi doesn't look fat.

And also, look, see, everyone loves your peeps :D

Nutbunnies. xx Thanks for pointing that out Kitsu. :3 Thanks for cutting me slack Vera XD Now you are linked once and with your blog name and everything :B and that stuff about making up with people is so true :B;

I wore fishnets to school today. Got lots of remarks. XD They're surprisingly comfortable.

I had this big long rant planned, but I thought all day and I'm so calm now that I don't want to rant anymore.

But Nichole, you have the world's most soothing voice. And you don't need to say sorry for anything, no matter what it is you're apologizing for. Popularity is all luck. Yes, yes, I'm going to say it. I do good work. But your work is just as good and often times better. It's all about luck. That and I pimp myself so much that I ought to carry around a cane and top hat. :b

Metatron (of Angel Sanctuary, not mine) apparently has blue greenish hair... cos he and Sevotharte are in the very last (after the credits even) scene of the AS DVD. x.x I realized then that I'd never seen any color pictures of him. ^^;; He's a cute baby though :b

It's like going to confession every time I hear you speak
You're making the most of your losing streak
Some call it sick I call it weak
You drag it around like a ball and chain
Wallow in the guilt wallow in the pain
Wear it like a flag wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter bringing everybody down
Bitch about the present and blame it on the past
I'd like to find your inner child and kick its little ass
Get over it get over it
It's gotta stop sometime so why don't you quit
GET OVER IT

I play this song every time I'm upset.. I think it's obvious why :3;

The only thing more depressing than having to admit you were wrong is admitting you were wrong and having said confession go ignored. .___.

Let that not be misconstrued as saying that I think no one likes me. I know that isn't true. But everyone that likes me; I know, because they are my friends, and we communicate. But that isn't popularity.

NICHOLE...that's EXACTLY what I'm talking about -_____- People only -think- I'm popular..like you do..so I just get resentment.. -____- ::shakes you:: There is not one person that I have not personally met and spoken to that knows about/likes me. Popularity to me is lots of people you -don't know- knowing about/liking you, and I -know- everyone that likes me. So don't SAY those things because they're JUST NOT TRUE. THEY'RE NOT.

Updated my links yet again xx