I know your life is empty
And you hate to face the world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole

I cannot save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself

I know that you've been damned
Your soul has suffered much abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as fucked as you

I cannot save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself

Please don't take pity on me
My life has been a nightmare
My soul is fractured to the bone
So if I must be lonely,
I think I'd rather be alone

You cannot save me
You can't even save yourself
I cannot save you
I can't even save myself

--Stabbing Westward 'Save Yourself'

I loves this song good. It is on the CD that Ali just recently burned me. I keep trying to find something to apply it to (kind of reminds me of Claris-y things, but not entirely). ^^;

Yikes, it looks like saucybard has really gone under.. .__. That means I really need to move my art.. ^^;

Holy crap! o_o My scanner is on!! ::wonders how long it's been on and who left it that way o__o::

Sometimes I wonder if maybe keeping this blog, while it has been good for pouring out my thoughts, was a mistake. After all, without it, there would be nothing on this site truly personal, as I don't have an 'about me' kind of page (I am amazed at how many people have BOTH a blog AND an indepth page dedicated to themselves. I take no issue with their right to do this, but it's just.. why? It's most frustrating when that's just about all they have), so the only way to know about what kind of person I am would be through sitting down and sifting through all my crap. And even then, you'd only be able to guess what I'm like as a person and what my personal life is like, because to be honest Claris isn't exactly a perfect representation. She's actually much more levelheaded than me, or at least it seems that she is when I write her.. mostly because she freaks out over things that are WORTH freaking out over and I freak out over every little thing. And while I do have something of a speech impediment (trust me, folks, even if you know me and don't think I don't, I do. It presents itself most clearly when I'm extremely nervous and/or upset -_-;), I don't stutter.. etc etc.

But anyway, with this blog, people who normally would only visit, read my work, look at the nice pictures I have gotten, and then wander on their way also get to see what a terrible, fallible person I am. Look, I know there's a lot of things that aren't quite right in my wires. But I'm trying to better myself. It's slow progress; internal changes generally are, but you know, some people take their entire lifetimes to get it right, and if that's what I have to do, I will. However I think now that before I can really begin to be more 'mature' as it were, I have to accept the way I already am.

And anyway... most writers were, historically, difficult to get along with, weren't they? XP; (yes, I know that's not an excuse)

Although things are, as I've said, 'somewhat better', they're still Not Very Good (more on account of my grades and the now very impending college processes than anything else at this very moment)..and I still want to do more things and talk more to Ali and Laris, because they are wonderful and kind and I, being the emotionally dysfunctional sort that I am, would have been lost without their guidance (and gift of Chik-Fil-A, which I'm sorry I did not eat more readily, as it was delicious as always). I love Ali and Laris good.

I know that my parents are not psychotic and unreasonable like my friend Emiko's parents, and that if I do indeed receive two C's they are not likely to go completely insane and say... cancel Christmas or something of that nature. However, they could still do Very Bad Things... such as, taking away any number of privileges that I take for granted (that friend Emiko already usually doesn't get to enjoy) such as (first and foremost) the computer, video games, the TV (not really a big thing; I don't watch a lot of TV^^;), the phone, etc. And since I'm a loser who can't drive, I'd be pretty much trapped then. I have never really been 'grounded', as in, not allowed to leave the house, and my parents are pretty tolerant about people coming over.. in fact I think they get happy about it, as my social life isn't what one would refer to as sparkling. Though I think I'm a lot more 'nice' lists this year (to use a Christmassy analogy :3) as I've been making it my business to be more friendly to everyone around me and a lot more people will say 'Hey' or otherwise recognize me in the hallway than in years past. x_x

The biggest problem with my grades, if they do happen, will be explaining them.. especially if I really do get a C in math. Physics will be easier, as I've already got one C and they know my teacher is affiliated with the netherworld, but since my grades in math have actually been good in the previous marking periods they will get bothered. The real reason will be, of course, that I got a 48 on the first test. Now, tests are only thirty percent of your grade, but even with a near perfect daily average (seventy percent), you still have a C. If I didn't BOMB the test today, I may have a B. A low B, but even an 86 will be enough for a 90 for the semester, which is not only a solid grade but also qualifies me for exemption from the exam. So basically it's either two blows or two..uh.. good things.

I feel somewhat better now.

For the record, I don't write poetry about real people except myself, and these are usually scathing indictments of my own personality. All other poems were written about fictional people/relationships or about concepts..and most of my more recent poems were written on demand from my Lit Mag sponsor anyway. -_-; Besides, even if I did, I wouldn't be dumb enough to put it in the public eye. I mean, I'm not that smart, but I'm not that stupid either.

Anyway... Other problems: there is a chance that I'll get two C's on my report card this six weeks. Hopefully there will be a Miracle of God and this will NOT HAPPEN (thinking about it makes me sick), because I don't know what my parents will do if such a thing (unprecedented as it is) occurs. -__-; Our evil renters are finally out of the property, but the bastards stole the keys AND the garage door openers. Christ, these people just don't know when the hell to give up (and if you want to know why I worry about this..the money they don't pay us, and the time they take up preventing new people from coming in, wastes my COLLEGE MONEY. I NEED that money, dude). And, lastly, if I don't start on my college apps like NOW then I may be screwed.

So yeah. More than one thing dragging me into all this angst. -__-;

Ali.. or Laris.. or someone near me that knows my number (as in, Tennessee... I don't want to be responsible for anyone's long distance bill -_-;;)... please call me sometime... I really need someone to talk to, with voices. Please... -_-

I have a bitter taste in my mouth, like the feeling you get after swallowing a pill that you let sit too long in your mouth.

You're right Kylee. Life isn't terrible. But it sure is damn annoying sometimes.

Well, I recognize this one.. XD

I think the CT screencaps on the zany video game quotes page are from the new PSX version...because I don't recognize hardly any of the quotes from the caps of the programmer's ending, and I've gotten that ending a LOT.. ^^;

Ah, Janus cracks me up.. He sleeps standing up with his cape around him, how cool is that? XD And his 'laugh' and 'surprise' modes are funny (because he doesn't laugh and he doesn't look surprised)...

Holy crap.. I need to finish my Rhodes application...but I'm not sure where mom put it and she's not here. Rargh.

I've been so bored lately that, during the three day break I took from Tactics, I began and am now at the end of another game of Chrono Trigger (and not the PSX version neither). I didn't have the heart to kill Magus (I think I only did so once, and that was to see Glenn in his sexy, sexy human form), he's too cool and sad. I'm afraid I can't picture him crying out 'Now we have a winning team!' when you select him to be in your group, though. X3; Also I always rename him Janus (same way I always rename Marle to Nadia.. Nadia is so much nicer) since Magus is more of a title than a name. x_x

Oh yeah, and if you're reading this and know me offline, and if you can guess the names of all the people I was talking about in that previous post, you get a cookie. =P

::languishes in boredom and loneliness:: Unfortunately there are only two people that I have the guts to call, and one of them's not home, and the other is banned from phone calls. I'm too afraid to call up anyone else I know for idle chatter...

Lately I've been considering the pros and cons of becoming a hermit, which I feel I'll likely grow up to be. Here's what I've come up with:

Pro: No friends means less people to worry about.
Con: No friends means less people to worry about you.
Pro: If you're a hermit, you don't get jealous when your non-existent friends go out together and leave you, lonely, bored and unhappy at your computer, thinking this crap up. =P
Con: Um. There's no con for that.
Pro: No one to tell you that you're stupid or annoying.
Con: None for that either. I would say 'No one to praise you' but my friends don't praise me much. =P
Pro: Less people to buy gifts for.
Con: Less people to buy gifts for you. (although that's not a huge con, since I'm not at all materialistic and consider gifts as a mere show of appreciation as opposed to a rigid requirement.. a nice picture is gift enough for me, unless it's like my birthday or something..but I digress)
Pro: Less people to depend on you.
Con: Less people for you to depend on.
Pro: Less stress.
Con: Less laughter.
Pro: Less people to judge everything you do and use it as an excuse to not invite you places. =P
Con: None there either.
Pro: Less distractions.
Con: Lack of any human contact for an extended period of time may drive you mad.

Hm... strictly speaking the pros outweigh the cons... but I think that a lot of the pros are more important than the cons... so maybe I should keep struggling to be social. It's a bit difficult with friends like mine, though... The one that's not home would not, I think, go to places with only me, and the only other person I could invite would be the one who's not allowed phone calls (and who, incidentally, isn't allowed to do much else). Then there's two friends at school, one of whom I have known forever but haven't anything in common with, at all--we're even more different than the one who's not home (at least her and I share interests if not personality traits, I don't even share interests with this person). Person B I share interests with only on a surface level: she likes to write poetry and she does art, but she ONLY writes poetry and her art isn't cartoons--it's the kind of stuff one does in AP art (a class which she's a part of). Additionally she tells me she's sick of both and intends to pursue law or ministry in college. Then there's Ali and Laris, whom I love, and whom I share both interests and personality traits, and who I know would probably not be too upset about me asking them to do things, but they're Busy Adults and so I'm afraid to do this.

I'm very afraid to ask people to do things with me in general, because I fear the terrible sting of rejection. I know that usually if a person doesn't want to go somewhere with you it's not because they secretly would rather have a root canal (neccessarily...), but I'm paranoid so my brain would always think that. -_- All I have the strength to ask about are movies, and even then my chances are slim because the only friend I can ask with any confidence doesn't like a lot of movies.